An open letter to the left
Dear fellow lefties,
A few months ago I penned an open letter to the right that was snarky, irreverent, and more than slightly hostile. Now that we’re gearing up for election season, I thought it was time that I write to you with my thoughts and suggestions for how to make 2012 the opposite of the clusterfuck that was the 2010 midterms. We lost the 2010 elections pretty badly. The media and right wing politicians said that it was a rejection of the Democratic agenda. The Tea Party claimed victory. The GOP promised to fix the economy, and instead went about trying to outlaw abortion and collective bargaining. Here’s what I think happened: Democratic politicians, you pussied out and shied away from your message that the social safety net that government can provide is important and necessary to the quality of life of the American people. You showed a total absence of leadership, and the American people listened to the party that was yelling louder. It didn’t matter that what they were saying didn’t necessarily serve the interests of the average American; what mattered is that they said it with conviction. And conviction is, in the words of VP Joe Biden, “a big fucking deal.” How else can you explain the phenomenon that is Sarah Palin?
Democrats, learn from this. This coming election is about your conviction in your message. There should be no question here- you have facts, reason, and science on your side. Rather than trying to minimize your geek factor, embrace it and let the world see it. We don’t need any more anti-intellectuals trying to run the government, there’s more than enough of that out there. Just tune into a Republican presidential debate if you need further proof of this.
Republicans speak in soundbytes. Democrats speak in 1000 page footnoted documents. Don’t believe me? Watch the 2004 Bush/Kerry debates. Now I’m not saying that you need to deny the knowledge in your 1000 page document; like I said, the GOP has that covered. What I am saying is that you need to stop stammering through facts and figures and graphs when the big bad mean Republicans attack you, and simply state the truth with conviction. Not sure how? Let me help you. Oh, and by the way, you’re welcome.
The economy: Both conservative and liberal economists acknowledge the importance of government spending to help get out of a recession. We’re in the economic shitter, and the government needs to spend now, even though we’re in debt. Once we’re back on track, we need to then work at debt reduction in the long term through tax increases (gasp on the right!), and reining in spending on entitlements (gasp from the left, I know, but it’s true, and you know it.). When the right goes apeshit-bananafuck about spending more money, ask them why they won’t raise revenue on those who can afford it, as they ask those on the bottom to make more sacrifices. Watch Michele Bachmann give you her crazy eyed blank stare, and Herman Cain murmur 9-9-9 like it actually means something.
National security: Osama bin Laden was killed under the command of Barack Obama. Regime change happened in Libya without sending in 50,000 of our troops. Al-Qaeda’s influence is diminishing. I’m giving you this pep talk to remind you that you’re not a pussy on foreign policy. You’ve used your brains as well as your brawn to get something done. So here’s your chance to explain that these wars in Iraq and Afghanistan need to end now. Not because you’re scared of fighting, but because the cost is too high. Too high in blood, too high in finances, and it’s not making the world or our position in it any better. That’s the truth, and damn it, you just need to come out and say it.
Environment: There are other ways to get what we need than “Drill, baby, drill!” Wind and solar energy are the future, and can create a whole new economy with jobs for our college educated graduates. American car manufacturers are on their way back from the dead, thanks to the US bailout that happened under President Obama. Now’s the time for the government to regulate (gasp! goes the right) higher fuel efficiency standards for these companies we saved. This could create both green-collar and manufacturing jobs, and save the American consumer money at the gas pump. Oh, and it’s better for the environment, too. Plus, as President Obama said in 2008, small changes like making sure you have enough air in your tires can create greater efficiency. The Republicans scoffed, but then the scientists verified this. Then the Republicans laughed some more, because they hate science. But that’s a whole other story.
Social issues (abortion, gay marriage, DADT, etc.) I put these all under one category because these are wedge issues that Republicans thrive on. Those who see things differently than they do don’t respect God, or the sanctity of life, according the gospel of the right. And that’s just not true. Being secular in your legislative policy does not make you anti-God. It’s not about our personal beliefs; it’s about the separation of church and state. It’s fine for religious institutions to draw lines about these issues; it’s not all right for the government to do so. That’s what our founding fathers were talking about. So spare me your personal beliefs- I really don’t care. Just do what’s right under the law, that’s all I ask.
Healthcare: You need to do a better job explaining why the healthcare law is good for Americans. The shenanigans that went on for the year or so before the healthcare bill was passed left the American people thinking that their grandmother is subject to death panels, they can’t choose their own doctor, and that getting a pap smear is how Planned Parenthood will sucker them into an abortion, even if they’re not in fact pregnant. So now it’s time for you to set the record straight about Grandma and everything else. It’s time for you to tell the American people about how this law means that they will never again be turned away by an insurance company for a pre-existing condition, how their children can stay on their healthcare plan until they’re 26 (which in these economic times is more important than ever), and how no one will have to go without a doctor’s care because they can’t afford the payments. More importantly, it’s time for you to make your case that this is a moral issue; that in the words of Senator Ted Kennedy, healthcare is a right and not a privilege. Your economic status should not preclude you from getting treated when you are sick. When the big bad Republicans come at you for infringing on our freedom to let our fellow Americans die of medical neglect, ask them if that’s what their moral (or Biblical) code dictates. Watch Michele Bachmann give you her patented crazy eyed blank stare, and Mitt Romney talk out of both sides of his mouth. Then watch Rick Perry, not because he’ll say much of anything, but simply for sheer entertainment.
So here you go, Democrats. It’s time for you to march over to Speaker Boehner, grab the mason jar marked “Democrats Balls”, find your pair, (don’t worry, you’ll know which one is yours), reattach them, and get out there and fight your battles with the truth of your message. Don’t worry that you’re a geek fighting big mean jocks, you’ve watched enough 80′s movies to know that the skinny kid comes out all right. (Draw your inspiration from the chorus “You’re the best around” from The Karate Kid, the slow clap in Lucas, and the moment that Terry realizes that she doesn’t have to stuff her crotch with socks and pose as a dude to run the school newspaper in Just One of the Guys (that one’s for you, LGBT friends!). Keep your chin up, and fight off the dickhead that is Billy Zabka in every 80′s movie with the power of your conviction.
Wax on, wax off, my leftist brothers and sisters.
Shoshana
