The Mommy Panda and the Baby Panda
Since it’s been almost three weeks since Ellie last nursed, I guess that I can officially say that she is weaned. Weaning was something that I thought would be really stressful, and I actually was dreading it. But as with many things regarding parenting, I was surprised on this one.
I had been contemplating whether or not to wean Ellie for months. If someone had told me when Ellie was born that I would nurse her for two years and four months(!), I wouldn’t have believed it. The convention in this country is to nurse until one year, when kids can have cow’s milk. As Ellie had been diagnosed with a milk protein allergy as an infant, I wasn’t inclined to want to introduce cow’s milk quickly, and I also found that as she neared the one year mark, there was an emotional connection that neither one of us was ready to let go of. And so the nursing continued past one year. I figured we’d stop in the next few months (I didn’t know anyone who’d nursed beyond 18 months). Little did I know that when Ellie turned 18 months, she’d be in a very clingy and needy phase, and letting go of nursing was the last thing she’d want to do. A couple of months later, I resigned my teaching position, and the world suddenly felt full of unknowns to me, and letting go of nursing wasn’t something I was ready to do, either. (Another thing I wasn’t ready for…Ellie actually referring to it as “booby”. In public. Sometimes throwing the word “Yummy” in beforehand. Slightly mortifying, but I was impressed with my then 18 month old’s use of adjectives.)
I started to panic a bit as we hit the summer before her second birthday. I had never planned to nurse that long, and I was definitely feeling some of the societal pressure to wean, with people giving me the feeling that the whole thing was “unnecessary” and “weird”. I knew that there were people out there who nursed that long (I became very fond of the moms at the Berkeley Parents Network and Ask Moxie, two great parenting forums), who made me feel like I was in good company. As I opened up about my feelings to a couple of acquaintances that I felt comfortable with, I was pleasantly surprised that a few people that I knew and admired had also nursed their kids longer than was “normal”, and I began to feel less alone. I took the approach with Ellie of gentle encouragement, gradually decreasing some of the feedings that made me feel resentful, and keeping the ones that both of us felt were important. With each change, I was pleasantly surprised that because she was older and the nursing sessions weren’t disappearing cold turkey, she adapted well. We were down to two feedings (naptime and bedtime), and I had no idea if and when those would disappear. I also wondered if she would ever take a nap without nursing to sleep. I think it’s part of why I nursed as long as I did- I really need that break in the day that is naptime!
The greatest surprise of all is that Ellie initiated weaning from her last two feedings on her own. Every now and then, she’d skip one, and that became a more common occurrence. And several weeks ago, she started telling me “No Mommybooby. I want stories.” And so we’d read lots and lots and lots of books until she was pretty sleepy. She’d still ask for M-B when I turned off the light, but was just as happy cuddling in my arms. This went on for 10 days, and at that point, she was weaned, with very little anxiety or tears.
One of the most moving moments I’ve had as a mom happened this past week. Ellie has three panda bears: a very large one(Mommy) and two smaller ones (one is medium sized, the other really tiny). She put the medium sized one in the Mommy’s arms, and said “Baby wants Mommybooby”. At that point, I took out the tiny panda and said, “Ellie, do you see this baby panda? His tummy is so tiny, and he can only have Mommy booby. But the bigger panda can eat all the things that you eat, so he doesn’t have Mommy booby much anymore.” We talked about all the things she and bigger panda love to eat. Then I said, “Even though this panda doesn’t have Mommy booby, he and Mommy snuggle all the time. Mommy panda always has snuggles for her panda.” At which point, she put the panda’s head on the Mommy panda’s shoulder and said, “He can snuggle and sleep on Mommy’s shoulder”, which is how she’s fallen asleep in this period of weaning. I got a bit choked up, and said, “That’s right.”, and hugged my beautiful little panda. I think that both of us need those cuddles on a daily basis- they’re not just for her. Ellie nuzzling in my arms has taken the place of this beautiful ritual that provided both nutrition and nurture for over two years, and I treasure her snuggles the way I treasured the years I spent nursing.
When I look back at the past couple of years, I’m so grateful that I had this experience of nursing and bonding with Ellie. While it had its challenges during the first year (thrush and Ellie’s milk/soy protein allergy that I overhauled my diet for), I wouldn’t change it for anything. Nursing has laid a great foundation for the close and affectionate relationship we have, and I think it helped me to be really attuned with my daughter, both physically and emotionally. So while the breast-aurant may be closed, the experience of nursing my daughter for two years and four months has left my heart full of love and wide open to the next place where our journey together will lead us.
